#Fridayflash From Suicide Notes #2: Sheila

This piece is part of the #SuicideNotes project.

Sheila

Oh, God, I don’t want to do this.

Oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, God, they’re so tiny, so… .

He’s only three and, oh God, he’s so wonderful! She’s just a baby. Just a baby. They need their mother. They need to be with me.

Oh, God.

They’re too little. It’s not fair. But they need me. They need me. And I can’t… I just can’t leave them.

It’s not fair they got me. They didn’t deserve that. They deserved a mother. A real mother. Not some broken, useless, pathetic excuse for a mother. I hate this! I hate it!

I wish there was some other way. But they’re so young. They need their mother.

And I can’t do this. I just can’t. I never could. I wish I’d figured that out before I had them. But it’s done now and there’s no taking it back. Just fixing it. I just wish they didn’t have to… .

But it’s the only way.

She’s still nursing around the clock. She needs me. I can’t leave her. And what would it be like for him? When she and I are gone? No. No, it has to be this way.

My poor husband. Oh God, this is so unfair, to everyone. Poor Bob. At least he can start over, with a real wife this time. But poor Bob. Poor kids.

I’m so sorry you all got stuck with me. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I wish… oh GOD! WHY!?!

Nevermind. None of that matters now. All I can do is fix the situation the only way I can.

Here it is. The overlook. The lake is just as beautiful down there as I hoped it would be. I wish the kids could see it. But I’ve driven around long enough for them to fall asleep in their carseats, because that’s more important. They need to be asleep. I don’t want them awake for this. As easy as possible for them. It’s the best I can do for them. It’s all I have left to give them.

I wonder what guardrails are really supposed to accomplish? They look so thin. We’ll just tear right through them.

See?

*****

Sheila Margaret Hardee, 31, and her two children, Ryan Daniel Hardee, 3, and Christina Helen Hardee, six months, died March 31, 2009 in a car crash.

Sheila was born January 2, 1978, a daughter of Ray William and Dora Sophia Creed.

Ryan was born December 19, 2005, Christina was born September 13, 2008, both at Finley General Hospital.

Sheila was a devoted mother and a beloved wife to her beautiful and cherished children.

They are survived by husband and father, Aaron Micah Hardee; Sheila’s parents; Sheila’s sisters, Anna Lynn Sheffield and Jennifer Amelia Creed-Holmes; and many aunts, uncles, cousins, family members, and friends.

Funeral services will be held at Meredith Baptist Church. Burial will follow at Bellwood Cemetery.

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10 Responses to #Fridayflash From Suicide Notes #2: Sheila

  1. creepy and all to real for those who remember susan smith..

  2. marc nash says:

    Yes this is spot on, the craziness of wanting to plunge the kids into death along with her, but not wanting them to wake up and see.

    Tough stuff well handled

    marc Nash

  3. Thank you both. As a mother, this one really gets to me. It affects me more than the others I’ve written so far. Taking the kids with her… It reminds me of Andrea Yates and how horrible what she did was and how I can understand why she did….

    Such a powerful topic.

  4. This is a very strong piece. Kudos for tackling such a serious subject matter. As a mother, I can sympathize with the emotions your MC is feeling. The stream of consciousness is an effective device in this scenario.

  5. Dennis says:

    Fascinating and disturbing read. Great job!

  6. Tim Remp says:

    As I was reading, I was saying to myself, “She’s not going there. No.. nope.. WOW. She did.”

  7. Powerful story. So sad how it came to this for her. Too bad she had to involve her kids.

  8. Carrie says:

    This was a punch in the gut, the decision made for others. Haunting stuff.

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