She’s Not a Natural Blond

She lied about her hair color, how was I to know she wasn’t lying about this?

“Lying?” she screeched.

OK, so maybe I shouldn’t have voiced that particular doubt. They say women in this condition are, what do they call it, delicate? Looks more seriously pissed off to me.

“I don’t mean,”

“You think I’m LYING about being PREGNANT!”

Wow she could really yell. I might not have slept with her if I’d have known she could shriek like that. Well, I probably would have. She’s hot. I just would haven’t given her my number. Or told her where I lived. Or tracked her down at work the next day. Or spent most of my sorry-ass paycheck for the week getting her drunk enough the next night to sleep with me again.

“Hey, babe, that’s not what I said. But, I mean, sometimes people are wrong about these things, right? I mean, you don’t look fat or anything.”

She did look really red though.

“You are a total asshole, did you know that?”

That was a good sign. Girls weren’t likely to try to shackle total assholes to the father gig, right? I mean, they usually went looking for one of those fatherly types.

“Look, baby, I don’t mean anything. I’m just sayin’. I mean, if you are pregnant, well, I mean if you’re gonna have a baby and all, I mean, that’s great for you, I hope you’re really happy and the kid’s cute and all but if you do, I can’t really keep seeing you, you know?’

She was seriously red now, not just sorta pinkish in the face. That didn’t look too healthy. I should say something. What with that baby and all.

“You FUCKING ASSHOLE! It’s yours you FUCKING MORON! You can’t walk away now, you have to take responsibility like a man!”

OK, not good, think fast.

“Oh, baby, is that what you thought? Oh, hey, look, I’m sorry. I thought you were just telling me ’cause we’re friends and all. Look, see, it can’t be mine. I mean, that would be like fucking miracle sci-fi stuff or whatever.”

She had this really nasty, ‘you’re an idiot and a liar’ face on, but I had a plan now and I was feeling confident. She took a breath to interrupt.

“Thing is, see, I didn’t tell you, hon, cause, it doesn’t really matter and shit and a lot of people don’t understand but that’s cool. But, babe, I can’t be the father. See, my equipment ain’t exactly in its original condition.”

Now she looked confused. Good sign.

“Well, honey, see, I had a bit of an operation, cause, you know, I felt all, trapped in the wrong body and shit when I was a kid, you know, when I was a girl… .”

She didn’t look red anymore, she looked white and a little sick, honestly.

I think that means I’m safe. Score one for me and what a HUGE save that was. Good thing I’m a lot smarter than she is. And if she can lie about being a real blond, well, I get to lie too.

Written for India Drummond‘s Writing Adventure Group’s prompt week 27.